I used to watch the sun set over the mountains from the window of my dad's bedroom. It was the only room that had a window that faced the mountains. I knew he would explode if he found me there, but I couldn't help the hope that rose up in me when I watched the colors undulate across the ridge. I'd watch until that last piece of sun sunk behind the stones on top of the mountains. It was magical. I wondered if somewhere out in that vast expanse of forest and rocks, was a prince charming out there who would save me. I'd go over in my mind what princess I'd be. It grounded me to repeat the procedure in my mind. It was something familiar.
Sleeping Beauty was surrounded by a brier of thorns to keep out of evil. What would I have given for that kind of protection.
Snow White was kind to everyone. I'd never been given the chance to be kind to everyone. No one was ever kind to me. Dad told me I was disobedient and in my mind that was the opposite of kind, so that discounted Snow White.
Cinderella's father died. As cruel and gruesome as it sounded, I used to wish I had that kind of luck.
Belle's father loved her. And she loved him. The only similarity was the dead mother. I used to fantasize that maybe I could be Belle, since our names are similar. Annabelle and Belle. It made sense. But all too soon, I realized that my life was nothing like Belle's. Plus, she was beautiful, and all I heard every day was that I was ugly.
I wished I had the courage to be the mermaid who ran away from her father and found the love of her life. She was who I aspired to, but never really thought I'd become.
Rapunzel was the one I finally settled on every time. Because Rapunzel was trapped. Because Rapunzel had no way out of her life. And maybe someday I would get my wish. Maybe someday a prince would come and fall in love with me and rescue me.
Sometimes I still do that, watch the mountains, while I'm too sick to move. I pull the hope out of that sight, even if I don't know where that hope comes from. I repeat the procedure in my mind. In some ways I still am trapped, but someone once told me to focus on the future and not dwell on the fact that I can't walk and that my Lyme keeps me from doing most things. I think of things I'm thankful for:
- inspiration to write
- Brenden - my prince :)
- my mom
- church - even if I don't believe in God yet, that place always gives me peace when my anxiety gets the better of me.
- blogging
- fairy tales
I make the list longer and longer and push out the things that make me panic. It's going to be okay.
Brenden gave me a plaques saying this for Christmas one year and I hold onto it... Never too late.
This life would kill me if I didn't have you. Couldn't live without you, baby. Wouldn't want to. If I didn't have You by: Thompson Square
~ Annabelle Greyson
Note: These ideas are copyrighted to Hannah De. Thanks!
No comments:
Post a Comment